2022 Thoughts And Feelings

Yep, It’s December already. This has been a year y’all! One I thought would be filled with very obvious blatant magic, I mean how could a year with the numbers 222 not be just the most magical ever? In many ways it was, but it’s more noticeable with being able to see it from my rear view mirror. In the moment it was a lot of hard hard work, and not physical work necessarily as we traditionally think of it, but hard hard healing, mental, metaphysical, self work. The kind of work that leaves your exhausted but all you did all day was journal 25 pages and cry for 3 hours kind of work.

I mean, this was just my experience, and I know we all live very different, complex lives. I know that the pandemic was hard and weird for everyone. The ripple effects of it are now really starting to crash against the walls that we have built to understand humanity and it feels like they are breaking down very quickly. 

I spent this year healing. Like deep deep ancestral healing. At no point did it get hollywood magical, but It did get weird a couple times and at the time I genuinely thought I was dying. It’s funny how when we feel like we are dying, we kind of are. Like a version of ourselves is no longer existing anymore. And we are this new thing, but we still look the same as we used to look. And it’s confusing for you and everyone around you, because you feel completely different but everyone around you cant feel what you feel. So they still cast you as the same character in their lives, but you don’t really fit that anymore. 

And how do you tell someone what you’ve been up to? Like, “Yeah I spent most of yesterday on my hands and knees, sobbing harder than I ever have in my life. It felt like there were literal holes in my heart mending at such an incredible speed that it physically hurt, but there’s no wound so why would you believe me?” It’s kinda awkward. And I feel like I got to a place this year where I don’t really do or like to do a lot of the things that people my age do. It’s not a value judgment on anyone else really, we are all on our own paths moving at our own pace and not everyone I interact with will be for me. But I think I had the most lonely year of my life.

In the thick of the healing I thought I was dying. And I did. Now with it behind me, I can see and feel that I have been born again. In many ways the healing journey goes on. It is now at a place where it is the only thing I want to do, and I can put it down until something comes up that needs to be addressed. I realize that different phases in my life will provide new opportunities to heal, but I wont be able to find them unless I am living my life for real. And that brings me to where I sit right now. 

I am on the other side of things. I feel like an entirely different person that I was this time last year. And in many ways I am. I am now at a place where I get to show up and actually be a participant in the creation of my life. Its what i’ve always wanted really, and it is scaring the crap out of me. I know that living is up to me. That I get to choose how I participate in the game and the door to play is unlocked, and open even. And im finding myself scared to jump through.

Releasing the old thing isnt as easy as people make it seem. I feel a resistance to allowing myself to create freely that is hidden from my conscious mind. Like a rope that keeps me tethered to the old thing, but it almost feels like the rope is imaginary and I just have to leap and see what happens. 

I share my fears because maybe there is something in me that thinks if I say it outloud to the public, that it will take the power away from it. 

Truthfully, I am moving forward. It is slooooowwwww. Slower than ive ever moved on anything before. But it feels good. It feels good to be able to have more time in the day to actually enjoy things. And i think before I didnt allow that time. 

I was very tied up in the hustle culture. Of the work hard, no days off kind of vibes. Truthfully, it wasn’t very fun. I thought I could just work my anxiety away but that never really worked out for me. I never let myself have fun or have a day off because I thought that If I worked a little harder then I would just become successful and all of the sudden have all of this time to relax. I’ve learned that you have to build relaxation time and time off into your schedule from the beginning. Or I did at least. 

Where I am right now, I dont really see myself ever retiring. But I think it’s because my relationship with work is way different than retirement mentality. I am an artist, and i think that for as long as I am physically able, I will be making things. And so I have had to figure out a system that is built on a very strong foundation, so that I can do this forever and not burn out or hurt myself. And for me that looks like a lot of rest. Or at least a lot of time to enjoy different parts of my life. I am quite literally sitting in the sunshine typing this out. It’s a moment in my current day that is bringing me a lot of joy. Not to mention the benefits of sun on the skin and eyes for immune health and circadian rhythm regulation. 

I am this new person, with a new nervous system, a new outlook on life, and a new way of really thinking about myself and the world. After crawling through the mud for most of the year I am really seeing the magic of what that time created. We created a whole new person.

As far as next year goes, I don’t exactly know yet. I am hoping for more career success/satisfaction and really a lot of room to have fun and maybe see the world a little bit. I am beginning my end of year review a month early, I usually do it in january, but it feels necessary to start now, and I know I will be doing yoga at least 200x in the next 365, we started today and already have 1 day down! I know that the feeling im getting is really focusing on working on the health of my physical life now that my mental and spiritual bodies have a little bit of resilience. It is interesting how if you neglect your body for a couple of years, it kind of crumples in on itself. 

I will keep you updated along the way. And thanks for reading this far. I hope you have a great holiday season and get to spend time with people you actually like and I hope you dont overextend yourself too much. Please give yourself what you need.