Life Lately

Howdy everyone!

I hope you're all well. I really wanted to sit down and write something out to share with y'all so here we are. This isn't going to be political, this isn't going to be religious, this is just going to be an authentic chat about a woman navigating life during this current time in the world.

Ive experienced lots and lots of transitions in the past few years. I think a lot of us can relate really. Everything has changed and for me personally I would say most of it has been really good. In the thick of it it felt like dying but the rebirth happened and now I feel more close to my authentic self than ever before. 

Ive been on a long healing journey that spit me out on the other side still forced to navigate life as it happens. For some reason I thought healing my trauma would be this perfect experience that would leave me perfectly equipped to handle life in the most perfect way. Turns out that wasn't very realistic.

What healing did give me was a sense of self and a sense of grounding within my life to be able to navigate the ups and downs with a level head. No longer ruled by my past I now have the freedom to choose how I show up and how I react in any situation.

Sometimes I catch myself and choose peace and other times I get swept up in chaos and it takes me a minute to take responsibility for my reactions and come back down to earth. 

Lately what I have been really tripping on is my art and how I show up in the world and share what im making.

Before I really started to heal I think I was running on anxiety and audacity. But as I started to heal I started to peel back the layers to my authentic self and the closer I got to the center the more vulnerable it has felt and the more my instincts to run and hide are triggered. 

I went off and took a bunch of marketing courses to see if I could learn how to be better at sharing my work but I think I ended up with a bunch of stories around how Im not good enough, and how I was born to be an artist not a business owner, and the disconnection between the two drove a wedge in how I show up online and in the world and I felt like a dust pile compared to what I thought I once was.

Really another layer in all of this is healing my nervous system and the self rejection I faced during the entire process. I have dealt with a lot of shame. A lot of feelings of not being good enough and so as I healed my nervous system and got out of this constant state of fight or flight my body had to equalize. I went from hyper vigilant to really needing to experience rest and peace. The pendulum swung entirely the other way. I found that the idea of even sharing my work, or honestly even making my own designs was physically exhausting and almost painful to actually do.

The self rejection layer comes in in that at no point during this was I able to accept where I was at, and actually take some time off to rest and balance myself out. I thought that I had to push through and just keep creating and keep posting on instagram and keep trying to make this whole thing work because I was searching for this viral moment that was what I thought I should be doing but maybe wasn't what I really wanted.

I fought myself through every step and coming out on the other side of it made me realize that this is a thing I do. I have a history of just pushing through resistance and completely rejecting where I am and what i'm experiencing. But it was actually accepting where I am and what I was experiencing that led me to actually doing what I want and leaning into my heart space more and has made the whole situation feel better and dare I say, go away.

After getting married and moving I realized that no longer do I need to operate my business from a place of desperation. I would say that the desperation was the thing making this whole thing uncomfortable and kinda gross this whole time. And while I don't regret jumping and letting the universe catch me, I really wish I had engaged in some part time work outside of jewelry. I think making art and my creativity less central in my survival would have been supportive in my transition from chaos to peace. I think relying completely on my art to eat killed my creative spirit and made me think too much about what other people want me to create and as a result forced me to bury my authentic voice a bit.

Healing and having an entirely new life situation didn't make all of these feelings around my work go away though. I found myself looping and looping even though I was safe and authentically aligned and not having to fully rely on myself to eat and pay my bills. 

Despite this new found freedom I still felt a lot of limitations about how I speak about my work, and honestly I still do. I feel like i'm self censoring or hiding really because sharing still feels so vulnerable. I have released so much work over the years and I am grateful for those who do show up for my work I really am, I just have had these expectations that I would have more people looking at it than there are, so these drops I do keep flopping according to these expectations and each failure has compounded over the years and the weight of it all has become unbearable. 

The symbols drop was really kind of a last straw moment for me. After I released the symbols line I felt sucked dry. Like all of the fun I had making the collection was taken away because of how hard it failed. I had good reception to it online and then the work dropped, and I didn't sell a single piece for over a month. The failure even now still feels too shameful to share with the world and I want to delete this so bad it hurts.

The failure really had me contemplating if this is something I should even be doing. Should I sell all my tools and find something else to do with my time? I was telling myself the story that it's pretty clear that no one really wants what I have to offer so whats the point?

I took a few weeks off after this failure to think and live and I actually made a few shifts that ended up bringing me back to my bench. 

I realized that my mind was a prison I had trapped myself into and I was completely ignoring my heart and what I desire to do. I actually really loved making the Arizona collection, it felt like a way to mourn and say goodbye to the place I called home for nearly a decade, and despite the fact that I have only sold one necklace I still feel proud of the work and will continue to offer the collection and design new pieces to add to it.

Another shift I had recently was from a book I was listening to while on a walk one morning. "Real Artists Don't Starve" by Jeff Goins. There was a chapter about being an apprentice that really hit home for me. I think for so long I have been waiting for this viral moment, this lucky break. Each thing I was creating was with the conscious and unconscious desire to go viral so that I would gain a large audience to that my shop would completely sell out. A sold out shop means lots of money which means I can pay off my debts and buy more materials and keep this business alive. It's a lot of pressure honestly. 

What I really need to focus on is mastering my craft and putting the work into be a master. Once I realized this, I had two days at my bench making pieces I am actually obsessed with and I really don't care if they ever sell because each one was a micro step closer to mastering my craft and that is really what it's all about. Focusing on doing the work and finding my mastery with smithing and engraving will lead to an inevitable success that will happen in the right time and the details of how and when are really none of my business as long as what I am creating feels good in my heart.

So this is where I am now. Redirecting my focus from a lucky break to mastery and letting the success come when it's right. Truthfully sharing my new work still feels vulnerable and like something I don't know how to do or really something I don't know if I want to do. Idk how much rejection I can take but I guess with each new piece or collection I get the chance to work on managing my expectations and maybe that's the lesson in all of this right now. 

I'm really trying to focus on my heart space and allow that to really lead my life even when its terrifying. The mind has been my primary tool for operation in the world and I would really like to experience a more heart centered, open hearted life where I create what feels good and connect to people in a way that feels good and leave the baggage and expectations in the dust.

So yeah, this is where I am. I hope all of you are protecting your peace and using your attention wisely. I hope you are experience an open and expansive life and finding the courage to express yourself authentically when it is safe to do so.